Is Fantasizing About Others During Sex A Sign That Your Relationship Is In Trouble? New Research Says It's More Common Than You Might Imagine

But what does the old science say about all of this? Is it something to worry about, or a sign that your relationship is doomed to Toiletsville? According to new research, not necessarily, and it may be a whole lot more common than you might think.

The study, conducted by researchers from Canada and the US, was in fact motivated by previous research that has found that fantasies about others outside of the relationship are a fairly common occurrence. In this piece of research, they attempted to look into the content of such fantasies, and how it differed in shifting contexts, and across different relationship configurations. 

They suspected that there would be key differences in fantasies during masturbation and sex. For example, they hypothesized that fantasies about a person's sexual partner may be less common during sexual activity, purely as the partner is right there in/on/under you. On the other hand, fantasizing about someone else during sex activities, they thought, may be thought to be more "violating" for monogamous couples, and as a result may be less common than fantasizing about others whilst alone. 

Nevertheless, they left the study as open as possible, given how little research has been put into the topic, particularly around relationships that are not just between young, straight, cis-gendered individuals. As such, the team recruited a diverse array of participants, "evenly divided between gender/sexual minorities and majorities", with 546 participants in total.

Participants, who were recruited online, were asked to describe their most recent fantasy during masturbation, and their most recent fantasy they had during sexual activity with their partner. In each case, they were asked to write out who they were fantasizing about, and what was happening in the fantasy. These fantasies were then categorized, based on whether they focused on their current sexual partner, another person, or the partner and another person. As well as this, and a questionnaire on the demographics of the participants, the team also included questions on relationship satisfaction.

Fantasizing about others is actually pretty common

In terms of headline stats, around 56 percent of participants said that they fantasized about individuals other than their partner during solitary masturbation, whilst 26 percent said that they fantasized about their sexual partner, during their most recent bout of masturbation. Meanwhile, during their most recent sexual activity with their partner, around 35 percent thought only about their current partner, whilst around 38 percent thought of someone else, making it a touch more common than focusing entirely on the partner.

"One key takeaway from our research is that people can have different kinds of sexual fantasies in different situations," the study's authors explained to PsyPost. "Fantasies during partnered sex tend to be more nurturant and more likely to involve relationship partners, whereas fantasies during solitary masturbation tend to be more erotic, particularly when focused on someone other than a relationship partner."

Whilst fantasizing about others may seem like a red flag of sorts, the team found that fantasizing about others did not predict poor relationship satisfaction or health.

"Many participants reported fantasizing about someone other than a partner, including during partnered sex, suggesting that these experiences may be more common than assumed and not necessarily a sign that something is ‘wrong’ in a relationship," the researchers told PsyPost. "Related to that, we did not find that whom people fantasized about was directly tied to relationship satisfaction, though there were some nuanced links between sexual satisfaction and different forms of sexual desire."

Nevertheless, the team did find that people having fantasies about their own partners was tied to higher sexual satisfaction, whilst fantasizing about others was tied to a strong desire for attractive strangers and non-partners. 

"We found that other-fantasies were indicative of lower sexual satisfaction and sexual desire for attractive others, but unrelated to relationship satisfaction," they add in their paper.

In some circumstances, fantasies were found to enhance relationships.

"Fantasies that involve care, affection, or emotional closeness may serve to reinforce attachment bonds and sustain intimacy within relationships, even when they are not explicitly sexual in content," the team wrote in their study. "Attending to these dynamics helps explain why fantasies about committed partners can enhance feelings of connection and satisfaction."

Meanwhile, the team found that there wasn't too much difference based on relationship types, though people who were in sexual relationships that involved more than two sexual partners (be it non-monogamous or polyamorous) tended to involve more fantasies about having partners and others involved.

The team plans to explore the topic further, particularly focusing on the motivation behind the fantasies. Nevertheless, it may be reassuring for people out there to know that these fantasies are common, and not necessarily linked to poor relationship health. Don't freak out the next time George Clooney or Danny DeVito pops into your head at an inopportune moment.

The study is published in Archives of Sexual Behavior.